jesusjosh

I wanted to post something from someone that has become my heart...who is my heart and who brightens the soul that I thought would be dark forever. I love Rene Abayan-Rosenstein. This is the woman good blessed me with. There ARE merits to trying to do right and staying sober. For this I am eternally greatful. This may end up being the last LiveJournal I post. For those of you that have read this, thanks for reading. For Rene, thank you for making breathing and living so much better.



"In 11 hours....I will be driving into your drive way, jumping out of my car and running full speed into your arms. I suspect I will jump into and perhaps maybe knock you over. I'm going to be like that little puppy that hasn't seen its master in a few weeks. I am that woman who loves the shit out of you who has missed you for way too long. I'm going to kiss you all over your face and give you the biggest most loving kiss you have ever had. Then we are probably going to squeeze each other and after we realize that we have been outside for like 30 minutes, we will collect ourselves, grap my bags and go inside. Then I'll be "too tired" and we will retire downstairs and just enjoy each other all night and perhaps even make love a couple times.

I can't wait to come home. You are my new home and I never want to leave again. I love you Sweet Heart. I will love you forever and I know it after this torturous week apart. My heart is yours forever!!!

Love always

Critter"


And so, being sober isn't that bad at all. Being in love is wonderful. I find that the trivial shit that used to bother me so much doesn't really matter anymore. I WILL make it through college. I don't care if I work at Wal-Mart. I will realize my dreams and if I do not fulfill them completely, then I will die being loved by someone who loves me. Thats enough of a dream for me. So for everyone who dreads the New Year, 2006 will be a banner year, share your "hope" and "love" with everyone...smile at that stranger...we are only have a few seconds in Gods time here, make it the best. So long and goodnight.

Ahhhhhhhh, no comments on my last post. It seems my little friend Kelsey has decided not to write me anymore. I finally added more tags and updated my user information, but have yet to be contacted by anyone interested in reading my poetry. I guess it is hard in a world of 6 billion to be unique.
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In other news, college is moving along well, along with my position as a staff writer for the Western Carolinian. Writing news articles is fun, however, getting into the core classes for the major IS a major bitch.
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My love life is still nada. Recently I have been contemplating another major move, away from this area once more and back home to Belmont, NC. I will see if I can get the ball rolling come end of Spring semester...and try to possibly attend Belmont Abbey college...small school, almost a community college you could say, but still accredited by the state of North Carolina. Or I may try my hand at getting into Boston College or New York University, out of state tuition would be a whore, but I could probably manage by selling myself LOL...point is, I am going to get no where here in Cullowhee; small town with small brains. And there is always the option of moving close to Carla in Georgia and attending the University of Georgia or something...who knows where the road will take me.
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I love being sober. It has now been 32 days and I still feel strongly about it. I had nightmares about what would happen if I started drinking again last night. I like the extra money. I like being able to go without running out of energy, most of all, I like having control of my brain once more. My writing is getting better than ever.
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Esther, I still haven't seen your reply. I am not immature for posting my feelings.

I wished I could get the guts up to talk to Jessica Cregger or Megan again. Sometimes I feel so socially empty, but then I look at the friends that I have and I am thankful that they have stuck through me during my hard times. There are still people I want to know again, to really know.

People can be so ignorant sometimes. It pisses me off to see those people make mistakes and when I call them out on those mistakes, get mad at me and not talk to me. That is the only downfall of being sober. I am strong-voiced. Maybe it isn't a fault though, maybe I have just been drunk for so long that I haven't been able to surround myself with people that admire that trait. No one is old-fashioned anymore.
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Don't you just hate it when you have something to say to someone and you don't really want to say it, because you know that it is will cause a problem? And then you let a bit slip and that person is all like, "what, what, what?" and finally you give in and tell them and before you know it, they are pissed off because your opinion is yours. Another stipulation of remaining sober.
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Since yesterday afternoon, keeping the sobriety has become tough. Some asshole in one of my classes made a snide comment about my outspokenness since I am no longer drinking, and then the above situation with someone I was really interested in getting to know...in fact, she just posted on my journal. Some issues cannot be ignored though.
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No one is old fashioned anymore. Whatever happened to falling in love in highschool with the person of your dreams and then marrying somewhere midway through college? What happened to family structure...now that most marriages end in divorce because there is always someone bigger and better and more satisfying?
Whatever happened to dedication and loyalty...I still see those qualities, but only in the super rich and finding myself in the lower middle class range, I see no options for a family in the future, aside from adopting a child.
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I was born in the wrong time period. I wished I would have been born when the West was still being settled, I could carry a gun and solve my indifferences that way. I would find my a nice farmer's daughter and marry her, she would be happy because I am enterprising and intelligent..we would settle somewhere out in the middle of what is now Kansas and raise a family...and a farm...and be happy...no Mr. Beautiful to lure her into his bed...no clubs for me to stray from the vows from by all the scantily clad women...no shirt, no shoes, and no problems...whatever happened?
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I am extremely pissed right now. I am fucking sick of seeing this shit happen time and again. What is fucking refreshing about experimenting? Maybe if your some emotionally devoid creature that doesn't realize that physical contact creates emotional attachments. Whatever happened to the old fashioned way of doing things?
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I really want a drink right now to smooth these rippled thoughts.

Day 13 and I am going strong. I feel myself becoming more and more clearheaded. My foot is actually getting better. I enjoy going to work again and doing my homework, however much that is.
I enjoy real conversation and not some perverted twist.
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I finished my two new articles for the WC (Western Carolinian) today. I am working on a piece for The Nomad that I hope will be accepted, unless I have already missed the deadline. I have started the slow process towards talking to this really cool person I've met. Without alcohol I am more of myself...sarcastic and witty and quick to speak my opinion...I like that, it never got me into trouble, maybe pissed a few people off, but not in trouble with the law.
I am beginning to grow apprehensive about November 7th.
I get to go home for Christmas this year! YAY!...December 23rd through January 7th is mine, all mine baby!
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I want a fairy-tale love. I want my love to be the type you write about on AIM profiles. I want to be in love so deeply that just thinking of someone makes me smile...and I don't want to feel ingeniune about it. My days of drinking, partying, raising hell are about over. Its time to grow up and live reality.
In a way, it feels like a part of me has died...as I slowly let go of everything I have missed before, but its a rebirth as well, into who I was so many years ago. I only miss my family. I only miss my Father. I miss love. I miss God. This is what I yearn for now. Normalcy.
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I am lonely, but I may have found that key to setting my loneliness free. I love.

So it has now been 7 days since I had my last drop of alcohol and I feel strong. I had my probation meeting and it went well. I may be getting evicted from my trailer, that I would not be happy with, but I really hate living here in Park Place. I only wished that I could find a good roommate or someone I already know from work would be willing to get a place together. I would like classier digs. But this place needs some major work before I could even consider that.
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My foot is slowly healing up from my scooter accident. I considered taking a short leave of absence from work to try and let it heal, but I figure that I might as well keep pushing on and try to make the best of things. I make good money and I need to be earning it. It is about time for all of my bills to start showing up in my mailbox again, and the bank account is already running a bit low.
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Life is really kind of boring. I go to work, come home and read and eat and do homework. So mundane and pointless but I find that my unclouded thoughts are slowly, agonizingly so, regaining focus on what I am here for in the first place. I am regaining my appetite back and I can sleep at night when I am tired. I find myself thanking God for sobriety each day. This is much more different then when I went to rehab back in January. This feels real, it feels good. I feel good, with no worries. Am I still lying to myself about those feelings? No. I just don't remember what they are like so I know that they are real.
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I know I will never be able to gain back the people I drove away. Friends that really mattered to me, Justin Gibson, Victoria Miller, Jessica Cregger, Laura Smith, Jessica Smith, Jeremy Walker, Lee Bolton, Megan Haner, Melanie Johnson, Maria Ortez, Kiley Gold, Jessica Earley...and I could keep listing, those that tried to be here for me and those that encountered the full anger and stupidity of my words. I can understand that, although it makes me sad. I would have ran as well. A few of those people are still my friends but things will never be the same with them. I just cannot bring myself to look them in the eye for the shame that I feel. I miss Jessica Cregger, what a wonderful friend she was, so fun to talk to, so fun to laugh with and I will never forget Music Appreciation. Someday...and I cannot forget Star Catalazino...my little Missouri Star, or Francesca Straw...those that stood with me for years...and eventually the demon in me got what it wanted; absolute isolation. So I am sorry guys and girls. I am. Shanda in Michigan...Literati Queen forever and I hope that your baby girl turns out as stunning as you are.
All of this reminds me of a line from a Jimmy Eat World song...
"May angels lead you in."
It sums it all up. I have to tell everyone that listened to me and heard me out, the countless and nameless now years past...I will try to never forget you and someday, I will make it up.
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We all live to dream.

I am slowly making a trail for myself into a world of unhappiness and bad dreams. I find myself less and less motivated each day to just get up and move on with my life. It is hard to understand the reasons for this and it makes me older. I do not understand what is going on and why God chose for me to fall victim to such a horrible common denominator. I mostly feel helpless each night to what I cannot drive away or out of my mind. It is like a little demon whispering incessantly to your brain. It will carry me away and carry me into sleep. Forever. Eventually. In pain.

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It has been a long time since I sat down and wrote anything of consequence or length. I have not really found the time to enjoy myself, nor do I really enjoy writing stuff for people NOT to read. I have slipped away from a conscious understanding of my surroundings into a fantasy world where many things are empty and nothing is of substance.

I am lonely.

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Comfort comes in the form of drug that destroys so many lives each year, yet remains perfectly legal to possess. I still work for Wal-Mart, but only sparingly; I find myself dreading the work I must do each day. I start back tomorrow after an accident on my new scooter, which by the way is really nice yet I do not enjoy riding anymore. It is an emblem of everything I have ever done wrong and as a willing participant in destroying whatever future I may have left, I find it only gives me negative thoughts. I need to leave this place and leave quickly!

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The weekend is upon us and I went to the Tournament Of Champions today to see my friend Keith, or rather I planned on doing it really early but was sidetracked...as usual recently I slept most of the day away to try and let my foot heal up. The event was a pleasant distraction from my normal mundane routine, get up, eat, go to work and sit in front of the computer. How can one ever break such a pattern? It felt good to see civilization, to feel normal again and to see stuff that reminded me of the only happy time I have ever had in my life; highschool. For those people on the field tonight, it was a big day. For me, it was another small step in trying to become "normal" again. I think I have only taken about three of those in the past 4 years. So I am still about 4000 miles from the finish line. It was a beautiful site though. I was excited by the music and actually had a good time. It felt good to feel that rush of endorphins...it wasn't artificially induced.

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My love life is still non-existant. Every now and then, someone I work with will make a remark to me about something I post on this site. Let me take a breather, the Wife is calling again.

When the ball drops, it all falls together at once. As it becomes colder outside of here, I wonder what I am going to do about my finances. I need to get them in order, I need to stop sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I need a motivator. I need God. I need to unharden my heart and just be who I am. I need to accept that my past is always going to be just my past and start trying to live for the future. I need to stop letting things haunt me. I need to come to terms with and understand what I am and what I will probably be. I need to be free. I need to slide away from this slow fall in oblivion. I need love.

Sitting in my Communications Writing class and realizing how much I hate liars. and players. and fakes. I hate drama and immaturity.

So as I head to class today I think about the Phi Mu Alpha function tonight and wonder if my impression on the brothers has been okay so far. As I figured, many of the brothers rushing already know the other brothers through marching band, band classes etc, which makes me hate Wal-mart even more. If I can get a few key votes though, I am set. These guys are all good guys and horrificly funny. I really hope I get a bid this first time around so that I do not become depressed...meaning I would not even try a second time. But I want this, I want the brotherhood. I think I can get it.
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In other news, Hurricane Katrina destroyed the Gulfcoast, much as I expected it would. Terrible tragedy. Walmart is going well for me, I have decided to just work and come home, work and come home and concern my life in other things. Staying up late is still a problem for me.
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My love life is still non-existant but that is the least of my worries. I always have the Internet for disposable love which is what most girls look for these days. Pray for Carol, specifically for her sister Jennifer, God Bless Joe...:( Sometimes God takes away those w/ plenty, maybe to give to those w/ little. Sadness.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the aesthetic beauty of fragmented sentences used as journal topics.
I hate Wal-Mart but tonight I found myself enjoying running the register for some reason. Krystal has a boyfriend again so I don't expect to see her around very often. Oh well, her goddamn loss.
So I have decided to try and rush another fraternity, Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia and I am very very nervous. I have the entire next week off to participate in the rush events.
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I still miss being a CSM. And I still cannot believe that I am not one, since I stepped down, two more CSMs have left. It is idiocracy and I do not know if my patience is going to hold out.
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On another note, I wished my Megan, from KS would actually acknowledge that I am still alive. She must think that she is to great to talk too me. I guess I will have to show her that I am worth it somehow. If I could just get the motivation to lift weights, or do something to better myself, maybe I would find that I am more attractive than I have always believed.
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I still am not writing as much as I want to. Classes for the Fall semester have started back. I want to talk to Stephanie. Why can't I have a social existance other than Wal-Mart? That may be the single biggest reason why I am sick of the place. It is the same old shit everyday. I never thought I would be tired of working there, but I guess that I am now.
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Carla and I are still great friends. I love that woman to death. She is about the only person other than my family that has stuck by me thick and thin. I miss Natalia sometimes since she last called me...(right after I got back from vacation) I guess she has better things to do, or people to fuck. Stupid bitch.
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I really do not care what people think or say about me anymore. Life is to short for that and I want to be happy w/ who I am. Tonight I helped a new cashier learn about payroll check cashing. It was awesome feeling like a CSM again. I wished I could go to Pete and ask him if I could just be a 3rd shift CSM...5-2...not even really doing it all the time. But still a CSM. I have to go to bed now, I find myself getting sad over this stuff. I wished I could change things. But then again, I find myself in a TOUGHT TOUGH battle over what I really want to be. I think I can be everything.
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Does anyone read this? Comment if you do.

A week passes since my last entry and I have no comments. Goddamn how I wished I could go back in time and become a wholesome person instead of someone w/ so many scars.

I am about tired of riding my scooter and yet the winter approaches again, this will make my 3rd go around for the winter. I am now a Cashier/CSM at Wal-mart, better known as the lifesucker. I am ready for school to start back but I am not even sure I am going to be able to handle it. I have so much trouble sleeping. Tomorrow I need to get in touch with Dr. Lawrence. I need to do that in the morning so that I can be ready for my probation meeting with Jamie. I have an alcohol class to attend to tomorrow. Natalia still hasn't called me again from where she left. Lindsays' bitch ass still owes me money and I imagine Carla will be paying me tomorrow. I need to pay my bills.
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This little trailer isn't getting any more uncrowded. I still have tons of junk and when I finally rid myself of some of it, I usually take on more. I wished I were normal and above average. My old buddy in Kansas has never saw me that way. I need to grow up and stop being such a goddamn baby. Move on, stop living in the past in the deep water of regret. I need to start writing again. So much I need to do yet I still can't really find the way to function normally. Krystal stopped coming by again and Autumn started dating Frank. I wished I made friends more easily...but my personality is just to intense. Oh well.
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My love life consists of nothing. I can't believe I don't really even chat w/ anyone on the computer anymore. What a crazy life. Mundane, boring without a break in the clouds in sight. Time to go to Ingles and buy stuff. Fun Fun, maybe I will finally get the courage up to read all of my Facebook msgs w/o feeling a sense of dread before opening them...then again...maybe not.

no one reads this.

My vacation has been interesting so far. I decided to stay another two days. This weekend was nice, nightbowling was fun and I think everyone had to much alcohol. Haha, I didn't even bowl over a 120. I couldn't find the groove that I needed to be in, maybe bowling isn't my thing afterall. The next day we were supposed to go out on the lake but it was raining all day long so we had a cookout and played games and stuff. I left my saddles at the bowling alley. The cookout was awesome. My mom's new boyfriend, Doug, cooked chicken and I had some steak and pork. Awesome food and a fun time. I got to spend a little time with my father. That was great and I got to see Jason and Julia and Erica. I still haven't got to see Landon yet. Sadness. I really wished I had someone in my life, the rest of my family, even my father seems to have a significant other. I haven't talked to Autumn in quite some time. I wished I would have, I felt like she and I really bonded at Six Flags. I am not looking forward to going back to work this coming Wednesday. I guess I will be doing that damn 3rd shift cashiering. I really am thinking about moving home. Maybe it is time for that to happen. I've been gone two years. Getting all of the logistics together would be rather difficult.
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I always want stuff that I cannot have or have to work really hard to get.
I made my mom's computer work well again. She had tons of shit that she didn't need on here. I have seriously enjoyed myself. Being away from Cullowhee feels good and I guess all in all, its been a great summer. I have to take myself back to that shit Wednesday and hope that everything works out well in the end. I think it should. I AM looking forward to school again in the fall, I think that I may just concentrate on myself and my personal happiness before trying to make everyone else happy. That will probably be the only way to keep my sanity. On another note, I think I am about to go watch "Switch"
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I am done with the Walmart games and with those that do not want to treat me well; those who concern themselves with walking on top of me. I have stuff I want to do with my life, things I want to accomplish, places I want to go and people I want to meet. After all of this, I want to be able to lay my head down at night on a soft pillow, with a warm set of arms around me. I want my dream. I need my dream. I will continue until I can stare my dream in the eyes. Goodnight folks.

I have found out some things that I never wanted to have known. Life will probably never be the same again. I do believe that I am severing ties with some people that I really care for and only because they need it. I need my social interaction but not at the cost of my sanity, nor probation. The stake that these people had in my dreams of the future must be revoked and resold to those that put my emotion before them rather than the games of others. My dreams are still my own but rapidly becoming diluted with the pipe fantasies of a delusional social existence. Who am I trying to fool?

I have never been social and I will never want to be. The experience I have with that has said enough.
Goodnight Sweet Princess Tali, may life hold your heart gently in the cradle of it's arm.

The fucking bitch.

I had an awesome time at Six Flags today with Autumn and Kevin and Laura. It was hot as hell but we rode most of the cool rides and spent much of the time getting to know one another better. The car rides were great. I really enjoyed Autumn's company. Really enjoyed it. I got some things off of my chest that made me feel better about myself, letting someone know how I felt. I would do anything for her. She is so strong, yet so fragile and so absolutely beautiful in the process. Kevin and Laura just plain rock. Kevin is fucking hilarious and Laura has many interesting things to talk about...that I relate to as well.
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The rides were awesome. The Superman and Gotham City Park were just plain exhilirating. I really enjoyed the Free Fall and The Space Shuttle ride...because it was fun to smile when I was enjoying myself, to know that the smile was real and to feel someone so alive, and so passionate beside of me. The car ride to the theme park was awesome. Kevin relayed the story of this interesting roleplaying game that I want to become involved in. I felt real and wanted. I feel good about life. I feel good about who I am.
Hopefully tomorrow goes as well.
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So I am going to try to talk with Pete tomorrow. I don't even really know if I want to be a CSM again. I miss the different people and the smiles from the cashiers that see me each day. Those fuckers at Wal-Mart really do not understand how many of the people on the frontend respect me and love who I am. Being accused of being drunk on the job and badgered until you lie and admit something that NEVER HAPPENED is not a good thing. If that is what Wal-Mart is about, I will give them no more of myself; I have given them enough already.
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I am finally getting my school stuff in order for the Fall semester. I really hope that I can get financial aid, I do not feel as if I can really afford to pay the college up front and get reimbursement later. This is what I want to do now. I don't really need to wait another semester before resuming my life. I hope whatever life I do resume involves Autumn. I am stricken with the level of intelligence that she posesses and the zeal for life. I want to know her better...much better, in WHATEVER form.
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My Mom will be coming to get me Friday. We are going to go nightbowling and go out and enjoy a day on the lake. That should be fun, I really love fishing and getting a suntan and just being around family and friends. Doug is pretty cool as well and I will get to see my sister and my brother and Erica and Landon and my father...hopefully. Quality time with the fam is something I never want to take for granted again.
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I have been writing a new poem that I have decided to post here. It is sometimes hard to follow but for me relates my view of reality as it really is. I hope whoever reads this enjoys it...comments? Send them to Thelastsunsetkiss@yahoo.com; and for Karen...the yellow on my teeth comes not from smoking crack you bitch, but from the fact that I have actually had to WORK for WHAT I HAVE IN LIFE....rather than have Mommy and Daddy pay thousands of dollars for my insurance so that I can go to the goddamn dentist every three months. You can rot in hell. Here is the poem:

"Bringer Of Justice"

I. So Many Beautiful Thoughts Inside Of My Mind 7-24-2005 to Natalia Sala

there are only so many things you can do on a computer
or with a trumpet for that matter
no. no one cares, no one cares, no one fucking cares

life without social awareness is NO life at all
I cannot find the courage to argue with the telephone
however great the static:

"what is democracy? what is democracy?
Its got something to do with young men killing one another.
When it comes my time to go would you want me to go?
For democracy, any man would give his only begotten son"

-Metallica's "One"

feel the land rise unto the people
hear the sighs of mother earth complain
oh how vague the truth really is
we are all dying anyway:

I want to do all these things with my life
however it seems as if life lacks motivation
emptiness and futile gestures of success are so easier
to achieve than doing something worthwhile

while the little Mexican children dance around the empty mobile homes
the air smells like fresh cut grass but my grass is still yards long
almost shoulder high I could jump from the deck
into the prosperity that is America

30 minutes late at least
I listen for a the sound of a bike
a speed bike, skinny bringer of justice
something to go right up my nose:

And how it hurts to know I am wrong
that if God wants to give; he gives NOTHING at all
you have to find it whether it be that cute blond at your job
how she ignores you when everything is over

focus one must, my focus is dim
focus on the future without any regrets
and again the clock strides past 12 pm
without anything productive to show for my time

outside and inside even it smells of air
the paper plant in Sylva gives the entire area a stench
why can't man with all the technology we have devise a new way
and create a form of paper without the pollution?

II. The Merits Of Living Cheap 7-25-2005

the cats in the mobile home park are all I have left
they bring peace with reflection at night of beady yellow eyes
and fleas, goddamn those blood sucking bastards
somehow they survive in temperatures that seem far above normal

one glance if you could call it that across the uneven pavement road
the trailer across from my own is a double wide
outside the caucasians bitch and moan
so much more than the Mexicans late at night
(even after brother Jose' was caught at the border and returned without saying goodbye)

doing something irrational would seem to be the only way to have fun
tomorrow morning I must go to University administration
trying once again to bring structure into a structureless life
how I wished that my AIM list would flash with the arrival of Autumn

one glance at the formica table that dominates the kitchen
could it be called a kitchen? (6x6)
the box of pasta lies forlornly waiting
facing towards the phone those dried noodles are
(waiting for Natalia to call)

my face in black and my nose in a bag
yellow riverlets perfumed with gaseous odor sink
into the bottom for me to snort back into space
into a cavernous bulge that is my brain

still they look at me as if I were a joke
someone to tease and point and laugh at
how the tears of fall are never enough
to indicate what emotion I have gone through

III. Unwanted 7-25-2005

I spray the walls of my home clean
with the paint of relief
how expensive it will be to replace the cabinets
and the woodworking around the sink

the door to the back room askew on the floor
the telephone ringing while the ashtray smokes
I won't seem to listen even though I am aware
of the eccentricies that create who I am

discarded like so much trash in the can outside
always falling over whenever the wind gets high
in the way however pointless the trashcan must die
before the dust settles in the bottom of my heart:

I won't see her again I can already feel that
how she entraced me with simplicity in all of her ways
how her beauty radiated outward illuminating darkness (days)
I find I wished I could have stolen her fervor

but the wind blows harder
the dust in my eyes stings more painfully
I ride away into the distance with no plan for avenging my failures
I ride away. I ride away. (with my heart as the sole company and my Savior)
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The poem isn't finished yet, I believe that I have many more facets to add to it. Seriously guys, if anyone reads this, even people I don't know, let me know what you think of it. Thats all I have for now, life is treating me fairly well. I hope tomorrow brings about more good news. Goodnight.

"Hey Josh, it's ******... don't forget that some of us still luv you and care about you. Remember, even walls have ears! Karma is a bizznitch, those people that are talking smack about you will get what belongs to them. Miss ya on the front end, it would have made my last few days nice to spend them with a good CSM!"
(A great friend of mine)



Doesn't it make you feel wonderful when you have a friend that informs you of things that have been going on at work while you are gone. I always seem to be such a hot goddamn topic of conversation. But truth be told, I agree with my friend, in the end those that talk shit and ruin things for me while get what is coming to them. It has been that way for so long, it will be that way forever.
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So I will concentrate on the important things in my life. School, my friends and deciding what I would like to share with the world and what size of an impact I must make with humanity to be able to sleep with myself at night. I'd rather be sleeping with the arms of someone I love wrapped around me, but if I can maybe just the way a few people think, whether through my music or my writing, I think that would probably be a fitting gift for God to give me. It sounds weird, but I can think of no higher honor I would love to achieve than to be featured in English or History textbooks long after I am gone. I just do not want to be forgotten.
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ONCE MORE, I IMPLORE TO THOSE THAT READ THIS, WHAT I WRITE IS WHAT I AM FEELING AT THE MOMENT, WHETHER I AM UPSET OR CALM AND CONTENTED. I WRITE WHAT MY HEART TELLS ME TO WRITE AND THAT IS ALL. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE WHAT I SAY AND RUN WITH IT, PLEASE DO NOT CAUSE ME ANYMORE STRIFE AND PAIN. IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT WHAT HAS BEEN WRITTEN, PLEASE CONFRONT ME OR CALL ME 1-828-293-1497. THIS IS MY JOURNAL, THIS IS FOR MY PEACE OF MIND. LEAVE IT AT THAT.
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God only knows how much I love my friends and the people that care for me. :) surprised me this morning by stopping by and we had a good, long talk. I hope she does not EVER listen to rumors about me and the bad things those rumors always seem to carry, but if she does, then she does and I cannot change that fact. I really like her. I believe I may be coming to terms a little bit better with who I am. I learn everyday. My neck is really sore; I believed it is because of my propensity to stay up all night long recently. That has also affected my weight. If I do not have the CSM job anymore, I am going to have to do something about the financial situation. I will be short on cash, always.
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Unless I pay off all of my bills and get a roommate, I almost think living with Jason Proctor is out of the question now. He has a new girlfriend; I have only met her once and gave a very bad first impression. She seemed really nice as well. I guess that I am going to have to go back and edit some of the entries into my journal. I am sure that some of the things I have said about :) could spread and drive her away. I do not want that. She intrigues me, so much more than Natalia ever did. Equals. I am not looking. I pray to God to let someone find me. I think I am going to play my trumpet with some music now and hopefully not disturb the neighbors. I am truly at peace with that instrument. I do wished I had some visitors though. Maybe it is time to once again, as I did in middle 2002, to step back and count my losses. To move on with my life and to make it something more than Wal-Mart. I really so desperately want that. I want SOMETHING else to look forward to each day besides the social interaction from the job.
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I just talked to my Mom: there really is NOTHING like Motherly love. I feel so good now. I will feel good tommorrow.

I tried going back to work today after the events of Sunday. It didn't really work out that well. I cannot handle the Meat Department and the complete lack of brains that one must use to work over there. I saw quite a few people and most of them decided that they knew what had happened up front had been wrong. :) made it a point to come over and see me at the Meat Dept. The only associate besides Jason that actually did. Oh well. I talked to Suzanne White and Roger and Jill and a little with Heath.. Jo gave me a little kiss on the cheek and Eroc stopped to say hey and Keith came over and said that he thought what had happened was wrong. I guess that is for Pete to decide and while he is at it, decide my future.
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I don't know if :) likes me but I get the impression that Natalia doesn't really care about me unless she is going to get something her way in the end. Maybe I just have this fucked up idea about how she should treat me and care for me. God I love reading to her and Matt. But they can never get over here. Maybe I just had the wool of arrogance pulled over my eyes. I don't know. But I do know this, I would give up my job as a CSM to be able to date her. At least I would have the comfort of her. But in my life, the things I want seem to happen, but not to work out fully in the end.
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I should have learned a lesson from all of this. I am worried about meeting my probation officer Jamie. Maybe I should have learned that people anywhere will die to learn a "juicy" bit of information about someone or something that has happened at a workplace. I have learned that anyone will jump forward and act as if they are a friend to advance the needs of themselves. What will I do with all of this vacation time, knowing that it is all I am ever going to get from being a CSM, besides the memories and the people I have met. I really hope that :) comes over after she gets off of work tonight.
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I suppose that during vacation I am going to try and accomplish a few positive things, so that I may redeem some of my self-esteem from losing the position (if it is for sure lost). I feel like getting high. I tried to wait. I just felt something jump on my hand. It was a flea and I do not know where the hell it came from. I ask myself, what should I do about :) or Natalia? I have no direction and I lack the understanding of the future to know what may occur. Maybe I will update my website again, but probably I will just sit here and think, or rather think, in an absent state of mind.
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I still do not want to post exactly what happened up here. I am afraid of what that might mean for me as a CSM in the future. I am scared that it may cast a spell over me and accentuate the bad luck that I already have. If I could meet God I would ask Him if some people were already fated to fail. Maybe my failures will be my success in life. Only time can tell.

:) came over last night and Matt and Natalia spent the night with me. I think I am still in love with her although I have a huge crush on :), such a smart girl in a small package...mmm lol. I have spent my entire night enjoying the spoils of my life. I am no longer a CSM right now, maybe this is just some sort of suspension. I will talk to Pete when he gets back from vacation, lol, in fact, my vacation is in about 6 days.

It pisses me off that everytime I feel like I am doing a better job with the front-end and I have cashiers complimenting me and everything, something happens and I end up in trouble. I think I will be glad to be done with this job, as long as I do not lose that much money. (I need it.)

I am about to run out of cigarettes. Goddamn, I just want Natalia to lie with me in bed and hold me. It would be beautiful, unless like God has other plans in mind, sometimes I think he means her to be my soul mate and eventually we will be back together. I do love her, even though she doesn't say it back to me often.

I have been awake 2 straight days, I cannot seem to stop grinding my teeth. I am lonely.

Goodbye CSM Josh.

~Alright, for all of you that don't care to know this, I don't give a fuck.~

It has been awhile since I have had sex and masturbating just isn't cutting it anymore. I find myself finished and let down, I mean fuck, I still actually wished I could be with some of my exgirlfriends because they were so good at it. But that is ignorance, someday, somehow I will find someone that will really like me and treat me well.

(Random Thoughts)

I really love it when people at my job look at me as if I am the absolute dumbest person alive. On certain days it pisses me off. I love to make stupid jokes and watch the reaction from the reciepient of the joke knowing that I had already planned the joke out and what they actually really think of me. But then sometimes, I think being really smart is a hindrance. I can't joke normally with some people and sometimes I even feel like I should dissappear. Victoria still hasn't talked to me, I yearn for it but at the same time. I guess I can't care. So now its looking like I lost her and Jessica both in the same night...that does a lot for the self esteem.

The other situation with "someone really nice" has not worked out either. We are talking again but I never understood why she flirted w/ me and acted like she liked it, but was then to afraid to follow through. I am talking to my friend Jessica from Florida right now, its been a long time but things are going to work out with it as well.

I have been talking to the Chief way to often lately, along with negotiations w/ my wife. That may not work out eventually. I am still looking forward to getting my trumpet Wednesday, along with my new walkie talkie whenever it decides to fucking show up. LOL.

And then the thoughts stop flowing.